Brendans Beautiful Biceps!

No my friends that wasn't another earthquake striking long island, that was your body trembling at the sheer sight of these babies. Because Brendan's Beautiful Biceps will now be taking me to the promised land.

Week 3 Previews

WEEK 3 Matchup Previews

First and foremost, I want to apologize for not creating a Matchup Preview last week. I was unexpectedly, and quite frankly inexcusably, given something to do Thursday as I planned to create more masterpieces. Anyways, I’m here to provide some insight on the week’s matchups and make fun of Feifer for a little bit.

Birney’s Fists of Fury vs. Brendan’s Jersey Boyz

Lukas is leading the pack as the surprise fantasy player through the first 2 weeks and this week takes on last year’s Regular Season champion, Kevin, in this matchup of 2-0s. The winner of this is guaranteed, well, nothing, because this is fantasy football and being 3-0 does not prevent your star Runningback from tearing his ACL by tripping over the chains (too soon?). But a 3-0 start is a good foundation at solidifying a playoff spot and taking a run at the Championship.

Lukas has a pretty glaring advantage at QB with Drew Brees over Sam Bradford. Not to say that Bradford isn’t a good QB, but with basically no running game, a banged up WR corps and what I imagine will be an angry Baltimore team, the Ravens D could make it a long day for the ol’ Boomer Sooner. On the flip side, Kevin has a slight advantage at RB. With Arian Foster still out, Ben Tate gets the start against the Saints and Peterson is a beast so he’ll most likely find a way to find pay dirt at least once, unless of course the Lions are really this good and put 8 in the box to contain AP. James Starks doesn’t have a good matchup against Chicago and Peyton Hillis could find some goal line scores.

It’s a pretty good WR matchup, but Lukas has the edge here with Andre Johnson, Kenny Britt against a crap Denver team, and Steve Smith against a crap Jaguar team. If Dez Bryant is healthy he can put up some points and Reggie Wayne seems to always be good, regardless if Peyton or Kerry Collins is throwing it. Jermichael Finley is also basically a WR.

If this game is within 30-40 points after the day games, Kevin’s Pittsburgh Defense may swing this game because we may have a bloodbath in Indianapolis Sunday night. They could put the number of points that Dez needs in striking distance of a win. Unfortunately for the Commissioner, I think Birney’s Fists of Fury take this one as Gus Johnson screams “The slipper still fits… AHAAAHHH”.

The Lone Guido vs. Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch

This is a big game for Matt as he looks to avoid falling to 0-3 and having a considerable hole to climb out of in the playoff race. The QB matchup is very good in this one with Philip Rivers and Matt Schaub squaring off. I’d give the edge to Matt with Rivers taking on a completely decimated Kansas City team. Expect Rivers to hook up with Jackson early and often. The only saving grace for Nick in this one might be the fact that San Diego will probably run the ball for 2 and a half quarters after they go up by 30 points in the 2^nd. Unfortunately for him, Rivers and Jackson will probably already have done their damage. That could bode well for Dwayne Bowe since KC will need to throw the ball all day, but the Chiefs have shown zero offensive fire power this year and it could be time for Nick to cut Bowe so that one of us can pick him up for 3 weeks when he’ll score 10 TDs. Then he’ll suck again.

Shady McCoy is Nick’s ace, but Fred Jackson and LaGarette Blount have favorable matchups and may outweigh McCoy and the Law Firm, since Tom Brady doesn’t like handing the ball off at all. Nick is going to need Hakeem Nicks and Anquan Boldin to have big games because expect a big game out of Matt’s TE Gronkowski because Aaron Hernandez is out.

I think Matt picks up his first win of the season. Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch

The Jonathan Moxon’s vs. Sunday’s Best

The defending champion was able to pull an escape act last week and win as Michael Vick and Malcolm Floyd both went down with injuries. Superhuman Tom Brady is putting up unbelievable point totals and they may continue this week against the Bills. Luckily for Powers, he has a QB that is firing on all cylinders and may be able to keep the QB points comparison close and let the rest of his team fight for the win.

Jimmy is seriously hurting at RB with McFadden as his only real option and he has to run against the Jets. He’ll get some yards and maybe a score or two, but not enough to carry the load for a limited Arian Foster or his goal line thief Michael Bush. Newly acquired Michael Turner (Jamaal’s replacement) is lined up for a big game against Tampa Bay and Mike has actual options at RB unlike Jimmy. Powers has the edge at WR too with Brandon Lloyd returning, Jordy Nelson, and Mike Williams (not the sucky one). Jimmy has Donald Driver 6 years too late, Plaxico Burress 1 bullet too late, and has all his eggs in the basket for Henderson to catch 1 bomb a game for a TD.

Tom Brady scores 40 points and accounts for 75% of Jimmy’s points. Jonathan Moxon’s win handedly.

Pat Nolan’s Ghost vs. BEER TOWERS and TD SHOWERS

Another one of the teams looking to avoid a 0-3 start, Hurst is looking for “the steal of the draft”, Chris Johnson to have his first game that doesn’t suck ass. If Johnson plays like the old CJ2K, he and Jahvid Best can put up a game to rival Beanie Wells and Cedric Benson. Hurst basically has a 3^rd runningback in Dexter McCluster playing WR, but I’m not sure how he’s going to be used in the new KC offense, which has been abysmal.

The WR matchup is pretty even with Roddy White and Santonio Holmes taking on Calvin Johnson and Brandon Marshall. It remains to be seen how Lance Moore is going to be this season, but I imagine it’s going to be a crap shoot as it always is with the Saints WRs. Greg Olsen has the ability to have a big game for the upstart Panthers.

Expect this to be a close game, but I give Pat Nolan’s Ghost the win.

Franzini’s Groomsmen vs. Anthony Gavin’s Shoe Collection

In the history of Fantasy Football, I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed a tie, but if there were ever a time that I wanted to see one, it’s between these two teams. And if they tie, I think that should be an automatic loss for both teams (someone add that to the league rules). In this matchup we have the two time champ, three time finalist, two time regular season champ, twenty three time faggot vs. the 6 AM text message smack talker.

The QB edge in this one goes to Big Brendan, I mean Big Ben, since Tony Romo is playing with cracked ribs. I don’t see him making it through the whole game and that could mean trouble for Johnny Boy. The Runningback matchup is favored slightly towards Feif because John is starting either Daniel Thomas or Willis McGahee. Both would need to find the endzone to put up the kind of points that Ray Rice and Matt Forte can put up. All 6 WRs can put up points based on their style of offense and the matchups that they are facing. Fred Davis has been a beast for the Skins and Jason Witten has always been a beast, so this may be a very close game.

As much as I hate to say it, I think Crumb wins. Franzini’s Groomsmen.

(That’s an AHHHH! Real Monsters reference)

The Husky Tunas vs. The Nine Ninjas

I have not been happy with the performance of the Tunas over the past two weeks. Last week looked like it was going to be a win and then Vick’s Right Tackle decided to blow it for me (And cost me and Mike $200). Anyways, definitely didn’t think that Cam Newton vs. Michael Vick would be a fair matchup, but unfortunately it is. As long as Vick isn’t banged up, this can be a high scoring QB battle with Vick taking on a banged up Gmen squad and $Cam Newton taking on the lowly Jaguars. I don’t know how long Newton is going to keep this up, but I don’t think the ride is over yet.

A pretty even RB battle is on the docket as MJD and Ryan Mathews take on Ahmad Bradshaw and Tim Hightower. All should have pretty solid days. Wes Welker has the ability to put up 25 points because Tom Brady throws 70 times a game and we all know about D-Jax ability for big plays. Vick will need to get the ball to Maclin to keep Jackson’s numbers down. Larry Fitz should feast off of the Seahawks and AJ Green has shown why he was the first WR taken in the draft this year. I’d also like to thank Jimmy for trading me Nasty Nate Burleson. He looks good. Tony Gonzalez looked as good last Sunday as he did 10 years ago.

This game is going to be close, but naturally I have to give myself the edge because I like myself too much. Husky Tunas move to 1-2.

BREAKING NEWS!

HOBOKEN (Associated Press) - In a less than shocking turn of events, Coach Brendan Feifer of Franzini’s Groomsmen has made a bold statement about his team this year.

“My team will go 16-0 and win the fantasy championship, while allowing exactly ZERO points to opponents.”

 The man from North Jersey has been known to make guarantees that never exactly seem to pan out. For instance, one night while riding the Long Island Rail Road Feifer was quoted as saying “I guarantee I can do a back flip.” What occurred next shook the ground beneath our feet as Coach Feifer landed square on his head, nearly paralyzing himself.

Feifer boasts his second place finish last year, much like the coach of the other team in Jersey. However, there is no award for being the first loser in fantasy football.

Feifer left his home in Massapequa, Long Island in August in search of a new beginning in Hoboken, New Jersey. It has yet to be seen what the move will do to his game plans and his bravado. But by the looks of him in that photo, it hasn’t done anything for his appetite.

Week 1 Previews

WEEK 1 Matchup Previews

Gentlemen and Feifer, Week 1 is finally upon us. No more wishing. No more waiting. No more sober Sundays. This is what we live for (that sounds pathetic, but nevertheless seems accurate). This is going to be a weekly breakdown of the Matchups and I’m going to give my two-cents and a little prediction on the outcome. I also wanted to add that this year’s week 1 projections are so inflated it’s not even funny. No one is going to have less than 120 points? Really?

Since it is week 1 and we have no way of changing the schedule, Week 1 and Week 2 matchups get played twice a year. This means that this is the first of 2 rivalry games and a chance to separate yourself from the pack early. So without further ado, Fantasy Football WEEK 1 Previews:

 Birney’s Fists of Fury vs. Pat Nolan’s Ghost

This is the first game in the league for the Expansion team from Highwater Ave. Historically this would be an excellent matchup for Timmy, seeing as Lukas has been at the bottom for quite some time. But this is fantasy football and each year is a brand new season, so look for Lukas to try and make an early attempt at getting out of the cellar.

The “Bowl Bowl” kicks off tonight as the QBs for these two teams faceoff in Brees (BFF) and Rodgers (PNG). Whoever can stake themselves to a lead after tonight will be feeling a bit more comfortable going into Sunday, especially since the RB and WR cores are very evenly matched. BFF wants DeAngelo Williams to bounce back from an injury and Peyton Hillis to have another charmed season, better hope that Madden Curse ended. PNG is hoping Frank Gore can stay healthy and gash the Seattle defense and that Beanie Wells has a big year after a disappointing 2010 campaign. Each team has a stud WR named Johnson, a big play #2 WR in Kenny Britt and Brandon Marshall, and then a potential breakout WR in Mario Manningham and Greg Little. PNG had the early edge with Dallas Clark at TE, but with Peyton Manning out, it remains to be seen how good Clark can be without his QB. Each team’s Defense has a chance to hurt the opposing team’s Offensive players, and vice versa. If the Packers come out and stifle Brees, expect a big lead for Timmy. But if Brees and the Saints get rolling, expect Lukas to have the early advantage. The Texans defense was anything but good last year, but a matchup against the Manning-less Colts might yield a big day for Lukas.

I see Timmy starting his campaign with a win. Pat Nolan’s Ghost

The Lone Guido vs. Anthony Gavin’s Shoe Collection

There is no way to describe the lifestyles and teams of Nick and John in any other way than opposite.

Nick seems to be gallivanting around the country, flying to Chicago and then flying to Houston, who knows where he’s going to end up. Just like Nick, his team heavily relies on the going to the air. Schaub can go off at any point in time and has the ability to post up stupid numbers. Shady McCoy is probably going to have around 80 catches to go with his 20 carries a game. Nick’s has a fully loaded WR/TE corps in Hakeem Nicks, Anquan Boldin, Dwayne Bowe (pending Matt Cassel isn’t having another appendectomy or kidney removed or whatever is wrong with the guy), and Antonio Gates. Nicks team has the ability to post up some big points total, just like last year. The only thing that is going to slow his WRs down is a QB problem.

When I think of Massapequa, I think of John. He’s a fixture here in this town and always seems to be “staying local”, frequenting the Good Life and Johnny McGorey’s. I’m actually pretty sure John will be reading this in McGorey’s because I think he gets on the train every day and gets off at Jamaica, only to get back on the train and take it to McGoo’s. Anyways, like John, his team likes to keep it on the ground and pound away. Michael Turner and Rashard Mendenhall are two very good RBs, but they don’t contribute too much to the passing game, so John needs to hope that they get their fair share of goal line carries to cancel out their lack of production in the passing game. Other than Miles Austin, John is relying on scrappy WRs like Steve Breaston and Jordy Nelson to step up and make plays. Jason Witten will get his, but if the Cowboys lay an egg, it’s over.

Nick’s aerial assault is too much for John. The Lone Guido.

The Jonathan Moxon’s vs. BEER TOWERS and TD SHOWERS

The Battle for the Long Beach Couch is set up to be a high scoring affair that should be very close.

The Jonathan Moxon’s hand the keys to the car (that is inevitably driving to Long Beach) to Matt Stafford, who if healthy, is poised for a monster year. BEER TOWERS are relying on proven Matt Ryan to get the ball to Roddy White for a couple of Double Point TDs. Jamaal Charles and Chris Johnson are two of the fastest RBs in the league, so watching these two track stars battle it out should be fun. The second running back on each team have shown the promise that leads the writers in Fantasy Football circles to say this is going to be a big year for Felix Jones and Jahvid Best.

This matchup has 6 very good WR, all of whom are #1 options on their teams. The only one I’m shaky on is Mike Thomas, only because of the last minute release of David Garrard. Thomas still has the potential to put up a big game, so there’s not too much concern there. The Tight Ends are evenly matched as well, so prepare for a dandy.

This was probably the hardest of the games to call, so I flipped a coin on it. Mike continues to live on the couch as CJ2K doesn’t impress and uses this game as a preseason warm up. Jonathan Moxon’s

Brendan’s Jersey Boyz vs. Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch

I can sense that Matt is going to bring his “A” game because he was not happy when the Commissioner released the Intel that Matt would be selecting Philip Rivers and Vincent Jackson in rounds 1 and 2. I’m still not sure why he told the person he was playing Week 1 this info, but he did.

Matt definitely has the edge at QB with Philip Rivers over Josh Freeman/Sam Bradford, but the work horses in Kevin’s stable are a bit stronger. Adrian Peterson is a bull and is hard to stop and Steven Jackson finally has a team around him that might make him better than ever. LaGarrette Blount had an awesome rookie campaign and he hopes to repeat that performance. Fred Jackson was solid for Buffalo, so he may be able to run for a big day against a shaky KC Defense.

Kevin’s Dez Bryant has to make a trip to Revis Island for Kevin, but he’s a freak athlete so this is a matchup to keep an eye on. Hines Ward is currently slotted as Matt’s #3 and he definitely lost a step or two or three last year, so the jury is out on the Dancing with the Star’s Champ. Julio Jones could impress this season for Matt’s #2. Expect Reggie Wayne and Vincent Jackson to have big days, regardless of who is throwing. Both have good Tight Ends in Jermichael Finley and Owen Daniels, but I think Kevin has the edge at Defense with the Steelers over the Chargers.

I think the Commish pulls this one out on the back of his RBs. Brendan’s Jersey Boyz.

The Nine Ninjas vs. Sunday’s Best

Well the returning “Champion” is kicking off his Title Defense against Joey “Party Boy” Zorovich. There is definitely a little extra riding on the game known as “The Peyton Bowl”, as Joey scooped up Manning in the 2^nd round after a botched Autopick incorrectly took Arian Foster over Jimmy’s lover Peyton. Unfortunately Manning is pulling a Carson Palmer and is refusing to play for Joey and is faking a neck injury. Manning has not missed a game for Jimmy in almost 30 years, so naturally he is sitting out the game to avoid embarrassing his rightful owner, or he is just scared of Tom Brady kicking his ass again.

The scale is tipped even further in Jimmy’s favor thanks to Autopick selecting Arian Foster and Darren McFadden. If McFadden has half of the game he had against the Broncos in either game last year, this one will be a blow out. Ryan Mathews and a Garrard-less MJG need to step up to keep Joey in this game. Or Arian Foster will pull a hamstring and it’ll shift the power to Joey.

Each player has an Eagles playmaker in Jackson and Maclin, so it’s going to come down to who Michael Vick decides to hit in the Redzone. Joey can also get some help if Welker can be on the receiving end of Brady’s TD passes. Jimmy has Colston playing tonight, so if he has a big game, this is going to be an uphill climb for Joey.

If Foster stays healthy, Jimmy wins. If Jimmy had been present for Rounds 1 through 3, Joey wins. Sunday’s Best.

Groomsmen vs. Husky Tunas

The Iron Bowl. The Red River Shootout. The Battle for the Jeweled Shillelagh. The Battle for the LIRR Memorial Trophy. When you ask a football fan, these are just a few of the big games that they will say that they are looking forward to. The History. The Passion. The Rivalry. This year is no different.

The big story in this game is going to be how the matchups play out. Bulky Brendan has 3 players involved in a game that is usually dominated by defense. Brendan needs Big Ben to hook up with Mike Wallace for a couple of double TDs in order to make up for what has historically been a tough matchup for #2 overall pick Ray Rice. Last year, Ray Rice had 20 yards, 32 yards, and 32 yards rushing in 3 matchups against the Pittsburgh Steelers Defense. Not the kind of production you expect from your #1 back. If Brendan doesn’t have the kind of game that he wants out of these 3 players, expect his big mouth to be filled by his stinky foot.

On the other side of the field, there are some favorable matchups for the Tunas. Vick is playing in a dome, so he’s going to be even quicker and have more ability to make plays with his feet. As long as the Eagles line can keep him on his feet, he should have a big day. If he goes down, the Tunas will struggle mightily. Knowshon Moreno is the feature back in Denver and has a favorable matchup with the Raiders, as long as Fox follows his blue print in Carolina and feeds him. And “Nice Hands” Larry Fitz gets to test out his new toy in Kevin Kolb against the aforementioned cellar-dweller Carolina Panthers.

The rest of the players are up in the air on how they’re going to do. Expect some drama.

While Feif might have a more balanced team, I think that the matchups prove to be too much for the Groomsmen. Husky Tunas.  

Draft Grades

Irene tried to rain down and ruin our draft, but she proved only one thing: Females will never interfere with football. Now that the draft is complete, it is time to stir the pot with some draft grades. The draft is only one component to Fantasy, with most of the best moves being made in Free Agency (see: Arian Foster, Mike Vick). With that being said, it’s time to see how well your draft really went.

I decided to use NFL’s projections to figure out a few things. I made two stats based on the projections: Total Team Projection (TTP) and Best Lineup Projection (BLP). TTP is the total number of points your entire team is projected to score, regardless of position. BLP is the total number of points that your lineup is projected to score, using the highest projection for every position. While I think this is one of the best ways to rank the draft, it’s still not ideal, so I offer some commentary about factors that could help your team move up or down during the season. If you don’t like your rank or grade, I will simply offer this disclaimer: I did not make the projections, and I did not make the rankings. The rankings made themselves; I simply put them in order.

The Johnathon Moxon’s (Powers) – A+

BLP: 1812.88 (1)

TTP: 2440.66 (5)

Average Position: 3

Jamaal Charles could lead the league in rushing and the Moxon’s have a strong group of WRs, led by Greg Jennings. Jennings alone can put the team on his back. They have potential breakouts at QB and TE. If Matthew Stafford gets hurt he will become Chad Pennington, but Mike has another potential breakout in Kolb. I like Danny Amendola to become Josh McDaniels’ new Wes Welker.

Pat Nolan’s Ghost (Timmy) – A+

BLP: 1725.08 (5)

TTP: 2509.62 (1)

Average Position: 3

Pat Nolan is going to be able to run a little more than the FB dive with Aaron Rodgers at the helm. Arguably the #1 QB, Rogers joins Megatron, Brandon “Hide the Knives” Marshall and Dallas Clark, who all have big potential. The RBs can be dangerous, assuming Gore and Beenie stay out of Matt the Trainer’s office, and Cedric Benson gets out of jail in time to play.

The Nine Niggas (Joey) – A+

BLP: 1792.18 (4)

TTP: 2460.10 (2)

Average Position: 3

The Nine Niggas rolled the dice on Peyton Manning, making Jimmy weep at the same time. We all know what he will be when he is healthy. When healthy, MoJo is a stud. Joey’s whole season seems to hinge on the health of some recently injured players, including Ryan Matthews and Sidney Rice, who are also coming off injury-plagued seasons.

Beer Towers and TD Showers (Hurst) – A

BLP: 1669.10 (7)

TTP: 2491.02 (2)

Average Position: 4.5

Chris Johnson was either the steal of the draft or another Ricky Williams retirement. Matt Ryan to Roddy White will have AJ serving twice as many BeerTowers and TD Showers as the points get doubled for every TD.

Birney’s Fists of Fury (Lukas) – A

BLP: 1733.58 (4)

TTP: 2432.12 (6)

Average Position: 5

Andre Johnson and Drew Brees are Fantasy studs. The Fists of Fury are hoping Peyton Hillis can be a knock-out punch, reclaiming most of his success from last year. DeAngelo Williams just got a huge contract but he has Stewart breathing down his back.

Husky Tunas (C. Gill) – A-

BLP: 1663.38 (9)

TTP: 2472.78 (3)

Average Position: 6

The Tunas reeled in the biggest fish in the draft: Michael Vick. Vick comes with a bunch of concerns, but if he lasts the entire season, the Tunas will be dangerous. John Fox may have Moreno running wild, but he’s from Jersey so he will probably disappoint. Larry Fitz is a freak, and Kolb will get him the ball better than whatever combo of bums tried last year. (Editor’s Note: If you ask Buckley, Gill is ranked 13^th….out of 12.)

Anthony Gavin’s Shoe Collection (Buckley) – A-

BLP: 1670.08 (6)

TTP: 2418.94 (7)

Average Position: 6.5

The Collection is hoping Tony Romo can come back from injury and connect with Miles Austin (Monmouth University) and Jason Witten to get them double points for TDs. Mendenhall can be a beast, but he also supports terrorism. John may have put too much faith in young players breaking out, but one of them has a Heisman.

Brendan’s Jersey Boyz (Kevin) – B+

BLP: 1761.76 (3)

TTP: 2215.54 (12)

Average Position: 7.5

The Jersey Boyz are going to ride the RBs, with Adrian Peterson headlining the group. Josh Freeman can be a top passer, and Josh McDaniels will have Sam Bradford throw the ball until his arm falls off. Jermichael Finley looks to rebound from injury to be a top TE. Dez can be a superstar, and Reggie Wayne will eventually get Peyton. (Note: The commish is this low because he drafted every backup RB to a Feature Back in the league.)

Sunday’s Best (Jimmy) – B+

BLP: 2369.68 (8)

TTP: 1666.06 (8)

Average Position: 8

Sunday’s Best could be the right name with what could be the best QB and the best RB; although a Hammy is a very dangerous injury, so Arian Foster isn’t a lock. Jimmy looks to continue to ride Austin Collie, but he is a bum without Peyton and has about as many concussions as receptions. There is a chance the Jets Defense could score a TD every game, making them the highest scoring fantasy defense ever.

The Lone Guido (Nick) – B

BLP: 2354.72 (10)

TTP: 1662.96 (9)

Average Position: 9.5

The Lone Guido has two solid QBs, Shady McCoy, and the #1 TE. His starting WRs are all #1’s, and this team had the potential to be dangerous. If Nick’s team stays healthy all year they will certainly exceed the NFL projections.

Franzini’s Groomsmen (Feifer) – B

BLP: 2354.72 (11)

TTP: 1662.96 (10)

Average Position: 10.5

The Groomsmen are actually a team I think highly of: The Projections disagree. If all the Groomsmen make it to the altar, they could score a ton of points. Rapelessberger is married, which means he has spends less time being a rapist and more time dropping bombs to Mike Wallace. Ray Rice is quite good (but from Jersey like Feifer), and you can ask Powers how Stevie Johnson and Percy Harvin were last year. Feifer’s ranking is somewhat skewed because he didn’t draft a kicker, but that’s part of the draft. Plus it’ll be fun to hear him cry.

Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch – B

BLP: 2354.72 (12)

TTP: 1662.96 (11)

Average Position: 11.5

Sorry Marky, but someone had to be last. I like this team too, but I don’t make the numbers. Philip Rivers to Vincent Jackson could be a tandem like no other. LeGarrette Blount is a stud, and I’m not just saying that because I’m afraid of him punching me in the face. Owen Daniels is one of the better pass-catching TEs, and this might finally be the year that Shonn Greene ignites.