Which NFL Team Are You?

1. Kevin– New England Patriots

a. Kevin is the model of consistency, but that is not where the comparisons to the Pats end. While he seemingly never has a down year, Kevin always manages to sneak in and nab the player off the trash-pile who ends up leading him to victory (see Arian Foster). Even if his practices stir up a little controversy, Kevin is not questioned because of his past success.

2. Tim– Seahawks

a. I understand that nobody wants to be the Seahawks, but hear me out (they did make the playoffs last year). Timmy is a newcomer to the league, but not to the game. He dominated McCann’s Sunday last year like Pete Carroll dominated freshman pussy at USC before transitioning to the big leagues. Timmy seeks to make this transition from dominating the d-league that is every other Fantasy Football league in Amurica to making an impact where it really matters.

3. Chris G – New York Jets

a. Gill exudes the Jets in every possible way. There is not one person more fitting to any team than Gill to the Jets. Gill’s trash-talking, in-your-face style is one that would even make Sexy Rexy himself jealous. Gill’s tuna-can and wild sexual adventures make Rex’s foot-fetish look like the missionary position. Furthermore, his Brian Shottenheimer-like approach is trying to over-complicate even our simplest of Fantasy Drafts. Gill has had some recent success that has provided his loyal fan-base with hope for his future, but they are skeptical to fully jump on his bandwagon as past failures still resonate in the fans’ minds. Gill would make a wall along the sideline, tell you all your players are injured, or force you to watch a poop game, because of his any-means-necessary will for a victory. Simply put: Gill Bleeds Green and White.

4. Jimmy – Colts

a. The Colts have the model to 12 wins and a playoff appearance: Pick Peyton Manning and let him do the rest. Jimmy has the model to 12 wins and a playoff appearance: Pick Peyton Manning and let him do the rest. Jimmy brings the same presence and intimidation that Jim Caldwell brings to every game: None. He then puts the ball in Peyton’s hand and wins the championship. Well played, sir.

5. Lukas – Raiders

a. Enamored by speed, size, and over-the-hill superstars, Lukas and Al Davis make all the right picks. Every once in a while, these two can hit on a pick that they made while delusional (Lukas is probably drunk, Al Davis is just dying), but their teams still suck. For every one late-round homerun, there are six early-round busts. Al Davis is always quick to justify his actions (usually with the use of an overhead projector), and Lukas seems to always like his shitty team. Both Lukas and the Raiders need to take the power out of the delusional decision-makers’ hands and insert a football mind into that front office.

6. Nick – Ravens

a. Nick is a stalwart in the top of the league. His consistent drafts and solid pick-ups make him the Ozzie Newsome of the league. Nick may have some trouble adjusting to a new city, but he can follow the blueprint of a team that moved, and moved back, and stayed successful. Look for another strong showing from another strong franchise.

7. Joey Z – Miami Dolphins

a. Joey is a middle-of-the-pack kinda guy, whose love for the Florida lifestyle might outweigh his love for the league. If Joey finds himself in a winning environment (New York) he can see some success this year. If he chooses to gallivant with the Williams Sisters and J-Lo, he will be as successful as Chad Henne and Pat White.

8. Matt  – Pittsburg Steelers

a. Because of the Steelers, you now have to give everyone a chance to be your next head coach (Rooney Rule). Because of Terrono, you have to give everyone a chance to pick up the hottest free agent. Like the Steelers as of late, Matt seems to be favoring the high-powered passing approach. Let’s see if Matt can rebound from having a down year, like the Steelers did the year they drafted Big Ben.

9. Chris H – Tampa Bay Buccaneers

a. When everything is clicking, the Bucs are good. When it is not, they are bad. The same can be said about Hurst. A season where he finished fifth has the insiders suggesting that Hurst is a young team poised to make the step to the next level. Also, Pirates sail the ocean, Hurst lives in Long Beach. It’s just obvious.

10. Mike – Philadelphia Eagles

a. Mike and the Eagles decided to take a chance on signing Michael Vick. All it did was bring both teams to the playoffs. Mike spent weeks dangling Percy Harvin over everyone, much like the Eagles are doing with Kevin Kolb. Lastly, as with the Eagles, Mike is a legitimate threat to win it all this year.

11. Feifer  – Tennessee Titans

a. The obvious reason is because both have monitored Chris Johnson all offseason, just praying that football would start before he got arrested. My personal reason stems from an incident in which Titans owner, Bud Addams, was seen giving the finger to unruly fans. What other owner would be seen in his skybox going nuts, flipping the double-bird, but Feifer.

12. John – Dallas Cowboys

a. Both John and Jerry are controversial, yet they stay pretty consistent. Both have enjoyed past success, and both should be successful in the future. Both are old; Jerry Jones for real and John at heart. John’s love of beer-league sports and fear of technology help him get propelled towards an AARP membership, and the lifestyle of Jerry Jones. Jerry Jones clearly loves technology (his video board that can be seen from space) so something else had to be factored in to make John the Cowboys: Rob Ryan. Rob is ready to be brash and entertaining in his first year in Dallas, and John is sure to be the same.