Last year brought to light a simple fact that I have been avoiding like a fat girl with crabs: I suck. I have been hiding below the playoffs for years, just being competitive enough so that I thought I had a decent strategy and could rebound any year. Last year I was able to reach a new low as I hit rock bottom, and this is my intervention.
Possibly my biggest fault last year was incorporating Dan Bittner into my team name. There was no hope after the team had been named after someone who steals tips off of bars and then uses them to buy drinks. I had as good of a shot of winning as Kevin Birney did landing one of his haymaker/flying-knee combos on Chris Nerney. As if the name alone wasn’t bad enough, the draft happened. I kept defending myself, blaming the load the was blasted in my face by Powers’ combo of Vick and DeSean Jackson erasing my 50 point lead for my terrible season, but we all know my problems started draft night.
First round – Pick 11 of 12: Not ideal, but you can do some good stuff if you’re not an idiot. I pick Stephen Jackson. Solid pick, solid start.
Rounds 2-3 – I now gat a marquee QB and a franchise RB. I ended round 3 having just picked Tony Romo and Beanie Wells. Fucking gross. Romo would have been a decent pick if it was much later, his shoulder didn’t break, and he was better. Since none of these things happened, I am left with my worst pick so far. Wait, what’s that? It’s the sound Beanie Wells being moved even further down Arizona’s depth chart. There he is, ruining both this story and my season. My third round pick was in my starting line-up for 2 weeks the whole season, and one of those 2 weeks he got negative points. Don’t worry, I drafted an insurance running back; I wouldn’t be that stupid to not have a gem of a 3rd RB…Brandon Jacobs. It was like someone was gathering every running back who was #1 on the depth charts in preseason, but not week 1, and tricking me into taking them. (Luckily I snagged Ahmad Bradshaw with my last pick in the draft to protect me when Jacobs blew dick, but we’re focused on the bad here.)
Another Hall of Fame worthy pick during this wonderful draft was Devin Hester, with the rationale that Cutler was gonna make Hester into a real receiver. That pick was also coupled with making fun of John for drafting Mike Wallace too early. Throw in Louis Murphy and Steve Smith (the one on the Giants who was a Pro Bowler in 09 and a bum in 10) and you have a solid core of clunkers. I could have had Nick Folk and gotten more fantasy production from him. (Wait, I did) My other receivers were Braylon Edwards (wildly mediocre) and Santana Moss, who I had to trade for Rapelisberger after Romo broke himself.
Tony Gonzalez may have been my only good pick, except I insisted on switching him and Dustin Keller constantly as I was blinded by love for the Jets.
At the end of the season I only had 2 players who were ranked in the top 10 for their positions, Stephen Jackson (7RB) and Tony Gonzalez (5TE).
As I review my roster I see a hopeless team. Perhaps this year I can use these awesome lessons learned and claw my way out of the shitter. If not, there will always be beer towers.
Lukas
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